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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Why don't you write books people can read?

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

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